


From The Desk of Christopher Rose

by LittleMissLiesmith



Series: The Better The Lives We Lead [9]
Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, Gift Fic, Letter fic, Memos, Strex Family High School Au, christmas gifts, memos from fury, pretty much everyone is involved in this one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-23
Updated: 2014-12-23
Packaged: 2018-03-01 02:10:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2755634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleMissLiesmith/pseuds/LittleMissLiesmith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Christopher Rose has had to deal with a lot of shit in his time as the secretary at Desert Bluffs Preparatory Academy, and he's got a stack of memos no one reads to prove it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	From The Desk of Christopher Rose

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Whyistheskyblue](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whyistheskyblue/gifts).



> For Tori. I’m not afraid anymore.
> 
> This one's also Marvel-inspired, this time by "Memos from Fury", which I edited for an original thing and then further edited for here.

From The Desk of Christopher Rose

To whom it may concern,

To the individual that sparked the rebirth of the prank war between Luciano and Carlos when we all thought it was over: your name has been given to Sergio Vega, Cecil Palmer, and Walter Dwyer. You have been warned.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Desert Bluffs Preparatory Academy students and faculty are discouraged from forming a band and are not to use their paid hours for band practice.  
ETA: “Sereno Blackwood’s Missing Eye” is not an appropriate band name.  
ETAA: “Sereno Blackwood’s Missing Eye” is not to stage their farewell concert on the roof of the school

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Ricardo Vega is reminded that his employees are just that and not ingredients for “boy soup”. He is further reminded that “thinking about boys” is not an appropriate response when asked what he is doing.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

The following gifts are appropriate for Valentine’s Day: Stuffed toys, chocolate, flowers, and greeting cards.  
The following gifts are NOT appropriate for Valentine’s Day: torture implements, syphilis, surveillance camera photos, and anything that can be described as “anatomically correct”.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

It is inappropriate and irresponsible to give Juliano Cortez Pop Rocks candy without explaining them first.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Izzy Rosales is not allowed to handle matches, lighters, or other firestarting implements. She is not to be called any nicknames to do with fire, such as “Katniss Everdeen The Girl On Fire”, as it only encourages her.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Diego Rodriguez is banned from attempting a career in politics because he thinks he can do it better.  
The President of the United States is nominally the most powerful person in the world.  
I do not want to see the world according to Diego Rodriguez.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Regarding the Halloween celebrations, Sergio Vega is reminded that bobbing for apples is a time-honored tradition that does not require modification. Specifically, the apples do not need a “sporting chance” and should not be genetically altered so they bite back.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Caesar Santiago is forbidden from using the fitness center shirtless.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

The Winter Holiday Party will not be featuring pagan sacrifices and it was unfair to get Miss and Saoirse’s hopes up by suggesting it would.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Izzy Rosales is forbidden from providing entertainment at parties if the aforementioned entertainment is herself stripping. The same goes for prostitution.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

I invite everyone to disregard all memos that have been circulated up to this point as I have realized I am an obsessive-compulsive spoilsport who hates fun.  
ETA: Diego Rodriguez has detention for the next two weeks and it is strongly suggested that all administrative personnel change their passwords on at least a weekly basis.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Luciano Silva is banned from the science labs as attempting to help Sergio “birth a horrible monstrosity which combines nanotechnology and the darkest of tortures known to mankind” is not an appropriate use of resources. Also he should not have named it Erika.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Chess is not a contact sport.  
While we’re on the subject, if Divina Rodriguez executes one more checkmate “with extreme prejudice”, she will be banned from the recreation areas. Again.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

The game of tag is hereby banned from campus forever.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

This is a reminder that we will be running our biannual Emergency Drills next week. These include:  
-Fire drill  
-Tornado drill  
-Hurricane drill  
-Snake infestation drill  
-Street cleaning day drill  
-Demonic possession drill  
-Zombie apocalypse drill  
-Caffeine shortage drill  
Please remember that these are only drills. Do not panic. We will have backup coffee for everyone afterwards.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

It is not recommended to come to work dressed as your favorite couple among the students because it’s “cute” and “you totally ship it”. 

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Sergio Vega, Luciano Silva, and Carlos Mendez are not allowed to collaborate on anything ever again. Raising funds for breast cancer is obviously a worthy cause. Dying everyone’s hair pink was not an appropriate way to raise awareness.  
Further, this is a reminder that we do not keep the prank war going for no reason. The world would be so much worse if they work together all of the time.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Hello, new students and faculty! I would like to take this opportunity to welcome you to Desert Bluffs Preparatory Academy and remind you of the responsibilities and duties you are about to undertake. In addition, allow me to clarify some common misconceptions:  
The school, contrary to popular belief, is not sentient nor haunted and it is unnecessary to thank it profusely every time you open and close a door.  
Unicycles are not an acceptable mode of transportation.  
While Sereno Blackwood is a valued member of our staff, he has not ever been granted the title of Supreme Allied Commander and if he wants to retain the title of staff member he will stop signing his emails that way.  
There is no such title as Burrito Supreme Allied Commander and I swear to god, Sereno, if you hack into my email again while I’m using it I will shove a boot up your

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Students and faculty are reminded that they are to wear standard uniform attire. Any modifications must be cleared with a faculty member or higher-up including lowering of necklines, raising of hemlines, and the addition of short skirts, high heels, and/or flames and icicles. 

-Christopher Rose, PA  
\--

To whom it may concern,

No student or member of the faculty is to enter a wager with any of the following:  
-Luciano Silva  
-Sergio Vega  
-Ricardo Vega  
-Diego Rodriguez  
-Carlos Mendez  
-Any member of the Josephine Angels of Justice and Mercy Hospital  
-Any member of the police department

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

In light of recent damage to the shrubbery, the English department is forbidden from playing “who can run through the most bushes in fifteen minutes”

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

This is a memo to notify Diego Rodriguez that if he does not stop treating these memos as daily challenges, the next memo will contain childhood stories that Divina assures me are both “terribly amusing” and “deeply embarrassing”

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Stella Vega would like to respectfully request that people stop switching the labels on regular and decaf coffee in the dining hall.  
I would like to echo that request, albeit less respectfully.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

While I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of an inter-school Medieval Fight Club, if such a club did exist, this week’s meeting would hypothetically be moved to Thursday.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

While the intricacies of Dungeons and Dragons are no doubt fascinating, fictional conflicts are no excuse for the “Battle of the Grand Hall” that occurred between the English department and the students.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

The lounges in the dormitory are for student use while not in class. They are not to be used for:  
-A driving/shooting range  
-A wrestling ring  
-A science lab  
-A gambling parlor  
-A porn studio  
-A strip club  
Or any combination thereof, especially when the Board of Directors is visiting.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

I don’t care how good-looking or important your date is. You may not have the keys to Sergio Vega’s science lab or Luciano Silva’s conservatory.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

It is recommended that the students engaging in the “war against the faculty” cease and desist, wash the graffiti off the walls, and return Sereno Blackwood’s left eye. It’s also recommended that they come up with a better catchphrase as “don’t trust anyone over thirty”, while certainly accurate, is a bit of a mouthful.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

We are all well aware that Walter Dwyer has a thick accent. Do not imitate this.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

The drinking contest between Izzy Rosales and Walter Dwyer has been canceled. Saoirse will be returning all your bets, Miguel Mendez de la Rosa will be billed for all expenses, and Luciano Silva can spend the next week helping Sergio Vega repurpose the 10 gallons of 120-proof vodka into an alternative fuel source for automobiles.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Daniel Vega, Lauren Mallard, Kevin Palmer, and Diego and Divina Rodriguez are to vacate the headmaster’s office immediately and cease and desist in referring to it as “Fort Kickass”. Nor are they allowed to deny the Headmaster entrance into said fort.  
Especially since the Headmaster is calling himself the “Supreme Overlord and Tyrant” of said fort.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Your expense account does not cover the purchase of pornography, especially that which features members of the Smiles Corporation, no matter how inspiring you may find it. 

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Regarding last month’s incidents in the girl’s bathroom:  
I know who’s responsible.  
Stella Vega, Divina Rodriguez, and their respective husband and brother know who is responsible.  
I’ve taken the liberty of informing your next of kin.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

At no time is it acceptable to alter or dye the colour of any living, dead, undead, or nonliving object, student, or faculty member so that it is green. This list includes but is not limited to; my daughter, uniforms, anyone’s personal belongings, school equipment, school premises, food and drink, or any part of a fellow human being’s body.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Regarding Izzy Rosales’s request for a Saint Patrick’s Day celebration:  
The short answer is no.  
The long answer is hell no.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Sergio Vega is reminded that the government experiments with LSD ended several decades ago and it is requested that he stop lacing the coffee with it. It is also required that he pay for Luciano Silva’s therapy appointments resulting from his bad trip.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Students, faculty, and guests engaged in relationships are to refrain from making sexual displays in public.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

The following is a list of things the dissection trays in the science labs are NOT to be used for:  
A food tray  
Playing Frisbee  
Covering your genitals when caught engaging in sexual activity during school hours  
A sled

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

The person responsible for the listing of Luciano’s cello, Mags Magee’s BlackBerry, Sergio’s dissection tools, and my daughter on Etsy is required to take down the listings, refund all payments, and most importantly, remove ALL the rhinestones.   
Especially from my daughter.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Whoever convinced Izzy Rosales and Celeste Santiago to hold a “who is the biggest slut” competition based on previous sexual partners is sentenced to a month of assisting me in my work after your teaching or school hours. The reason for this being that a reasonable debate changed when Celeste got Alaina to hack into our systems and download several dozen gigabytes worth of HD videos featuring her past escapades onto the school accounts as evidence.  
I’m getting calls from the police.  
I am not pleased.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Diego and Divina Rodriguez are to cease using the PA system to blast “Slytherin Night” under the pretense of expressing their House pride. They are also to stop trying to convince freshmen to emulate the song lyrics. Encouraging them is bad for productivity and worse for mental health.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Sergio Vega, Luciano Silva, and Stella Vega are hereby informed that their presentation on the use of pagan fertility symbols, while highly informative and accurate, was badly timed.  
Easter is always on a Sunday.  
There is no need for this crap to take place during school hours.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

After several instances of “Drunk Science” we are prohibiting the viewing of all episodes of Mythbusters involving alcohol until further notice.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

It’s been two weeks.  
The Mayans were wrong.  
Get back to work.

-Christopher Rose, PA 

\--

To whom it may concern,

Claiming a school building a sovereign territory by putting a flag in said building does not make it a queen/kingdom. Declaring diplomatic immunity for any ensuing felonies and crimes will not be allowed.  
Citizens of “Serenolandia”, “Cedropolis”, and “Diegotopia” will disband or face immediate disciplinary action.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Re: yesterday’s unpleasantness:  
Sergio Vega—I am disappointed. I expected better from you.  
Luciano Silva—I did not expect better from you, however, I am still extremely pissed.  
Stella Vega—Well, you tried. Next time try harder.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Whenever anyone says “let’s get down to business” during a staff meeting the correct response is not to sing “be a MAN!”

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Adrian Colt has not seen me dance the Macarena and if he claims that he has, he is lying.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Upon reflection, when Adrian Cold claimed that he had seen me dance the Macarena, he was not speaking of the dance.  
That being said, this is an excellent time to announce that Adrian Colt and I have entered a relationship.

-Christopher Rose, PA 

\--

To whom it may concern,

Soon we shall be hosting a contingent from the Student Board Representatives of Night Vale Public High. Let’s lay down some ground rules.  
1\. Anything you provoke someone to do will not be taken care of by Nurse O’Malley  
2\. Do not give anyone your things  
3\. If you decide to start a debate about which school is better we will not be liable for damages  
4\. They are not here to: decide which school is better, attempt contact with space aliens, or practice pyrotechnic displays. This means you, Izzy.   
Anyone found breaking the rules will be given a month’s detention and enough demerits to keep you back a year.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Izzy Rosales kindly asks everyone to stop singing Bohemian Rhapsody as she passes by. Following this, an All-School Sing-Along of Bohemian Rhapsody is uncalled for and not an appropriate group bonding exercise.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

As all faculty members continue to act like children, a chore schedule and sticker chart will be going up this afternoon.  
Hiring or threating someone to do your chores does not mean you did them.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

I do not know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop. Stop asking.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Diego Rodriguez’s heels are not compensating for something and he would like to request everyone stop insinuating they are.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

This is a reminder to all students and faculty that a fire drill date is approaching. To avoid a repeat of last month, please familiarize yourself with proper fire drill procedure.  
Diego and Divina Rodriguez are asked to quit giving freshmen faulty procedure instructions.  
Kevin Palmer and Lauren Mallard are asked not to sing “This Girl Is On Fire” at top volume.  
Ricardo Vega is asked to evacuate the building this time.  
Izzy Rosales is asked to refrain from actually setting the building on fire.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

(The following memo was written on bright pink paper)

To whom it may concern,

Whoever did this, this is your one and only warning: Return my stationary or I will personally guarantee you have detention for the rest of your life.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Five students and faculty members were trapped in a fire this fall. One Festivale worker was trapped as well. Izzy Rosales went in to rescue them. At no point did anyone die. They are not zombies and do not eat anyone’s brains.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

The idiot who stole Noah Santiago’s cane is advised to keep it, as soon you will need it more than him.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Diego Rodriguez had a ziplock bag glued to his mouth by his sister and Lauren Mallard and is currently in the infirmary’s third bed, incapable of speech.   
Thank you notes to either girl may be sent to their dormitory rooms.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Effective immediately, Nurse O’Malley will not treat any injuries obtained during activities involving the phrase “Hey, watch this!”

-Christopher Rose, PA  
\--

To whom it may concern,

A reminder: under NO CIRCUMSTANCES is anyone to give Kevin Free Palmer glitter.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

A reminder that Sereno Blackwood is banned from referring to Diego as “Vanity Smurf”, Ricardo Vega as “Papa Smurf”, and Divina Rodriguez as “Smurfette.” “It’s fitting” is not an appropriate excuse.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

The following holidays are NOT celebrated at Desert Bluffs Preparatory Academy:  
Talk Like A Pirate Day  
Talk Like Walter Dwyer Day  
Diego Rodriguez Appreciation Day  
Christmas in Celeste’s Pants  
Ciro-Toberfest  
Mixed Drinks Mondays

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Attending the End of Year Summer Beach Bonfire is a privilege, not a right. The event this year will be canceled should anyone attempt the following:  
Coercing Izzy into enhancing the bonfire  
Nicking Santiago’s cane for s’mores  
Convincing anyone that it is a pagan ritual.  
The last will also result in a rescheduled event where the offender is a sacrifice in said ritual.

-Christopher Rose, PA 

\--

To whom it may concern,

Izzy Rosales asked to please stop showing up in Eugene O’Malley’s office after hours wearing a men’s dress shirt and lingerie. She is proving to be a serious distraction and O’Malley is falling behind in paperwork.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Izzy Rosales is asked to please stop showing up in Ricardo Vega’s office after hours wearing a men’s dress shirt and lingerie. She is proving to be a serious distraction and Ricardo is falling behind in paperwork.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Izzy Rosales is asked to please stop showing up in anyone’s office after hours wearing a men’s dress shirt and lingerie. No paperwork has been done for the past two weeks.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Staff are reminded that despite the fact Diego and Divina Rodriguez are fifteen years old, they have the most brilliant business minds of the generation. If they ever ask you to check their work, they simply intend to make fun of you.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

From now on Cecil Palmer is to be supervised by no less than three faculty members at all times at DBPA, ESPECIALLY when he says he is on a “date”.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

All students and faculty are reminded that Luciano Silva’s “Party Tricks” are both painful and humiliating.  
Addendum: In the aftermath of certain events I’m forced to clarify that this even goes for the “really cool one” with the “two hats”  
Further Addendum: Following the events in the dining hall yesterday it is now official school policy that Luciano Silva’s entire sense of humor is both painful and humiliating.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

In light of recent events all gifts from Carlos Mendez are to be considered “unsolicited” even if he got your birthday right. Do not accept.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Diego Rodriguez and all of his accomplices are hereby required to stop referring to themselves as “Robin Hood And His Band Of Merry Men” and return the following items to their owners:  
-Walter Dwyer’s stash of vodka  
-My stash of coffee mugs  
-Marcus Vansten’s wallet and whatever he was wearing at the time of the “raid”. Not like he has any more excuse to be naked.  
-All the pets that Kevin Palmer released from their cages during his time as “Will Scarlet”

-Christopher Rose, PA 

\--

To whom it may concern,

It appears as though I must remind everyone that Stella Vega is not the official pinup girl of the school, no matter what she or Sergio say.  
All publicity related items must go through the PR department, not Sergio Vega.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Contrary to popular belief, Headmaster Ricardo Vega does not have the bodies of students who displeased him under the floorboards of his office. We checked. Twice.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

The food in the dining hall is healthy, nutritious, and grown in local farms. It is never mystery meat and will not poison you.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

Walter Dwyer would like to request that whoever is leaving helpful pamphlets about alcohol abuse in the liquor cabinets “knock it the fuck off”.

-Christopher Rose, PA

\--

To whom it may concern,

In light of recent events I must say that surprise paintball wars are never allowed and if it involves Mentos and diet coke, assume it’s prohibited.

-Christopher Rose, PA


End file.
